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The Colonel Chronicle

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How to Lose Your Starting Spot on the Team… in Ten Easy Steps!

Are you ready for the season? Follow these instructions for guaranteed success.
How to Lose Your Starting Spot on the Team... in Ten Easy Steps!
Nevaeh Baillargeon

Step 1: Tell yourself you have time to start working out. Procrastination is KEY!


Step 2: Remind yourself that you should have seniority over the position as you are a junior and have been playing for 3 years. They can’t just kick you out.


Step 3: Let your ego inflate and repeat in your head “Who’s better than me?”


Step 4: Make sure you have a summer diet of fast food and no actual eating schedule. To ensure complete laziness has set in, have every meal Door Dashed. 


Step 5: By now, it should be close to the end of summer so the minor freak outs of doing nothing for 2 months should have started.


Step 6: Attempt a run once, but really focus on how no actual air feels like it is going into your lungs. Also think about all the things you would rather be doing than this. In about 5 minutes, give up on the run and don’t try it again. You’re not going to get farther anyway.


Step 7: To prepare the night before try-outs, stay out late with friends and don’t get a good night’s sleep. To make sure you don’t sleep, eat greasy fast food late at night that no coach or doctor would recommend doing and stay up on Netflix until the early hours of the morning.


Step 8: Try-out day! Make sure you sprint the warmup lap to show your speed but also waste any energy you have in your tank for the rest of the tryout. 


Step 9: If you haven’t already disappointed your coach in your performance this is a surefire way to: when they announce the mile is starting, hide in the back of the pack to show you have done nothing over the summer and get lapped by the new freshman. 


Step 10: For the grand finale, make sure that even though your starting spot was taken, do absolutely nothing to try to earn it back and complain all season long. 


Remember, only use these steps if you want to really disappoint a coach and have your name written on that bench. If you are serious about your sport, please be advised that this is not the way to prepare, but if you just want the gym credit, make sure to go step by step to become the MVB. Most Valuable Benchwarmer. 

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