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The Colonel Chronicle

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How to Finally Pass Your Driver’s Test


It is a Saturday afternoon. Guess where you are?

You are stuck at the DMV, attempting to pass your drivers test for the fifth time. Although this is impressive, it is also quite embarrassing. How are you this bad at driving? There’s no reason you should have to spend another Saturday at the DMV, anxiously waiting to get behind the wheel, just to fail and have to drive home with your mom still monitoring you from the passenger seat.

Instead, you should be going out for a drive by yourself with the windows down and your favorite playlist blasting. I know for someone like you that doesn’t even know which way is right and which way is left, the concept of actually getting your license may seem out of reach – but I promise you can make it happen. There are just a couple of tips and tricks you need to focus on in order to make your dreams of freedom come true. 

To start, when driving, knowing the difference between your right and your left is extremely important.  

“Take a left turn up here at this next light,” says the driving examiner. 

When you arrive at the light you take a right, the examiner hits you with the side eye, and unfortunately you fail because of this mistake. 

There is a super simple fix to this problem and you are going to need a king size sharpie. 

Now before you leave your house to go to the DMV to take your test, take your huge sharpie and write in all caps: RIGHT on your right hand and LEFT on your left hand. Although your examiner might give you a weird look when they see your hands on the wheel, the embarrassment is worth it to make all of the correct turns and finally get your license. 

Another important step in passing your drivers license test is keeping both of your hands on the wheel. Removing your hands from the wheel could result in the examiner failing you. I know that during your driving lessons the instructor constantly reminded you: “Keep both hands on the wheel, please!”

Again, this is another easy fix and all you are going need is a roll of duct tape. Simply just duct tape your hands to the wheel as soon as you get in the car- well, after you adjust your mirrors, move your seat, and turn the car on, of course. The duct tape will make it much harder for you to remove your hands from the wheel, only increasing your chances of getting your license. 

The final and most IMPORTANT step in getting your license is to make sure that you flirt with the examiner no matter who they are or what they look like. This is the key to getting your license and here are the steps: 

  1. Dress to impress; make sure you are getting ready before your appointment. 
  2. Have a list of pick-up lines memorized that are guaranteed to make the examiner blush. 
  3. Be prepared to compliment the instructor as much as possible- really make them feel good about themselves. 
  4. Make good eye contact with the examiner. 

If you follow these steps the examiner will find it very difficult not to pass you.

Note: Remember you will most likely never see this person again so it is okay to use flirting to your advantage to get your license and be free. 

If you carefully utilized these three important tips – then congratulations! You just finally passed your license test. You have now finally gained your ticket to freedom and your future consists of late night drives with your friends and drive-thru runs. Now all you have to do is figure out a way to convince your parents to buy you your dream car…

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