“Wow, your hands look like chicken feet.”

Can you believe that I actually heard that come out of my friend’s mouth? I was completely caught off guard. Though, I will admit at the time this comment brought, and still brings, a hearty chuckle out of me. At the time me and my friends and I had a good time laughing about it. However, as weird as it may sound, this comment is what actually helped me realize during junior year that I was harboring deep insecurities from a young age.

Ever since I was little, I had a very rigid image of what a woman looked like. Dainty, slim, aligned teeth, smooth hands, sleek hair – yes, all that stereotypical jazz.  So imagine the disappointment I felt when my growing body did not in any way, shape or form, resemble  the carefully curated picture I had been sold by society. As a tween, my hair was a curly lion’s mane, my teeth were more crooked than an old farmer’s fence, and I was nowhere near dainty. In fact, I was one of the tallest girls in my class. To add the cherry on top, I had a little belly following me around. So, in other words, I did not feel like a girl. 

In high school I suppressed my goofy, squeaky laugh attacks into calculated tinkles of laughter. I was also ashamed of what I saw as horse teeth in the mirror that I would even cover my mouth to speak. My personality was performative. In the moment I would be rewarded with little dopamine hits when I would hear others say “you’re so perfect like a princess”. But once my act was over, not once did I feel fulfilled. No matter what I did -like ordering  food- I could never truly be myself. For example,  there was a time when I would only order strawberry milkshakes instead of chocolate because I thought they were girly.

 The biggest turning point for me was when I began to notice the beauty of “natural” girls. The girls that wore whatever they wanted and did not seem worried about other people’s approval. Their smiles were like sunrays: radiant and free. Their laughter warmed up the room and they held their heads up high. They inspired me to be more confident and rediscover myself. I realized that there was no need for me to pretend. I am worthy and womanly enough, just like they are. I too have a light inside of me, with bright sunshine rays like the ones that warm you up on a chilly day. 

Now, I wear clothes that flatter me, I smile as widely as I want, I eat what sounds tasty – although I don’t crave chocolate shakes anymore. I’m just fully myself and not concerned with being perfect. Sometimes my performative self tries to drag me back, but I remind myself of how exhausting it was to pretend. Now I can proudly say that:

My goals are more grounded.

My expectations are reasonable.

My relationships with others are authentic and full of emotions. 

And my motivation is through the roof!

In the past I was an addict, hooked on the admiration of others. However, by shifting my perspective and realizing that there is no such thing as perfection, I am able to look back on these memories and laugh. Hopefully, In the future, I can become a confident role model for other women and young girls. Not because I’m pretty or “perfect,” but because I’m confident in myself and don’t let insecurities dim my shine.  I want to inspire others to treat themselves with patience and care because sometimes, we judge ourselves too hard, and all we really need is a matter of shifting our perspective.

Here’s what Camilly had to say about her essay:

I’ve always had a tough time talking about myself. Remember those Ice breaker school assignments? “What is your favorite movie/ song/ hobby” “What are your strengths/ weaknesses and what are you most passionate about”. I never knew exactly what to write on those, after all, I didn’t really understand myself. I hated how vulnerable I felt when writing about myself, every word was like I ripped out a part of my soul and exposed it in a museum. 

So having to write a college essay to be vulnerable with the admissions people was horrible. First of all, I couldn’t pick a topic. I looked for inspiration for a long time, it did help but I got really self conscious about my writing abilities and just life in general. I’m not an incredible writer, or have something I’m deeply passionate about. Nor do I have a crazy interesting life with a secret or hurdles or something. I’m just a regular person, so I was struggling a lot to pick a meaningful and interesting topic to write about.

After brainstorming, I ended up writing about one of my biggest struggles: my identity and self criticism. Although it might seem small to other people, I had always been bothered by certain things that I’ve listed on my essay.